Pride And Peace: Fly your colors

    Are you struggling to find your place in life and how YOU fit in to this giant puzzle? Do you feel like there is little meaning to your current living situation or feel out of place, like you just don't belong?
    If this is you right now, if you are reading this, I have something to share that might just help you identify the silver lining.
    The chances are that if you look over your life you will see a pattern of "escapist" tendencies. The chances are, you're a lot like me.

    What I mean is that if you feel out of place, you've been running from life like its the plague. Avoiding, at all costs, life itself and have made death and depression your best friend.
    Seriously, think about it. Do you have trouble making decisions, but when there is a choice to be made, you hate it when others try to make the choice for you?
    We demand our freedom but have no idea what to do with it. So we run. We never completely apply ourselves to life.
    Because, face it, life DOES NOT happen to you, YOU happen to life.
    When people are in need, do you want to help them? Of course, you probably do. That's natural. Empathy is NATURAL.
    Why do you think that when a baby cries, if there are any other babies around, they cry too? Because we are born, naturally sensitive to emotions, naturally sensitive to life and those around us.

   
   
    This undeniable calling, or longing for belonging... is YOU, your deepest most suppressed self, dying for connection to life.

    Here's my story.
    I'm a mom. Married to my best friend.
    You know how, as best friends, you fight and come back to loving one another even more than before the fight? Well, that's how me and my hubby are. Happily ever after, right?
    The problem is, there are some things going on in our life that have been making us super unhappy.
    We live with his family because we are struggling to find our place in this world. To really make it.
    It's hard living in a seven person home where everyone has different beliefs about house keeping, raising children, work ethic, responsibilities, etc.
    So, for a long time, this home has not been very peaceful. It's been more of a contest of who can bottle up the most emotion and who can explode the biggest and baddest when the pressure snaps.
    Instead of aiming for connection, peace, love and understanding, we all were secretly hating our circumstances and being excellent escape artists.
    This invited in a horrible accident. Someone in the home was recently injured very badly from a firework explosion.
    Suddenly, everyone's roles in the home have changed dramatically.
    There are plenty of cons to this incident but with my mind, I always, always look for the pros, the silver lining.
    The silver lining is, when accidents like this happen, it pulls everyone together OR ..apart..
    Love brings people together and despite our differences, we all love each other very much.
    Hate and illusion brings people apart, despite the love shared.
    Well, there are times when I want to rip my hair out and just sit outside all day and never come in to deal with life on the inside... but we are pulling through this and on the other side, we will all come out stronger than before.

   
    There's a realization I had before all this crazy stuff happened with the firework explosion.
    I kept feeling like "I have to get out of here, I have to get out of here, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!".
    I was so unhappy because I wanted to run so badly. Emotionally speaking, I could escape what was happening, but I could never physically run away from the stress of living here. And I saw more and more, that by trying to escape this situation, the more pain I felt and the more pain those around me felt.
    I think it's because I feel the pressure of society. As adults, we SHOULD have it all figured out, we SHOULD be on our own by now. Now I know that those are nothing but LIES. None of it is true. We all progress at our own unique rate, and in our own unique ways....
    Eventually I had to face the fact that no matter how hard we tried to move on, something was holding us back. And that something was LIFE.
    I had to come to terms with the possibility that maybe we are meant to be here at this time and place. It felt ridiculous, it felt weird. It sounded INSANE in my mind because I thought it was the very last thing I ever wanted to do.
    But now I really get it. If my husband and I had moved away before the 4th of July, we would not have been here to help our family get through this tragic time. We would have turned right back around and came home. Because we LOVE each other. We are here because of LOVE. We are here because we want to find resolution and compromise, peacefully, with our family.
   
    So, if you are facing this same feeling, a gripping at your insides for belonging and connection, you may want to look at it differently... you might just be exactly where you are supposed to be.
    The universe, LIFE, is trying to tell you that you are needed right where you are.

    Let yourself immerse in that which you call home, dive deeply in to your circumstances, in to the "fire". It will burn... but its not a physical burn, its a cleansing fire of all that does not serve you, of all those grudges and illusions. It's an emotional, spiritual burn. It's also a very necessary part of true forgiveness.
   
    There's no sense in holding a flag high that represents hate, illusion and fear. Fly a flag that says, I'm here to forgive and make peace no matter what I must or must not do, even if it means I must burn away my pride...           All for the sake of Love, Joy and Peace.

Full Speed Ahead, As a New Chapter of My Life Begins

    There are some incredible things brewing for me this year.
    I've been clearing out old junk (vibrationally) left and right, refining what I want to experience in life and I'm watching as a wonderful new part of my life blossoms like the flowers of Spring.
    Lately, I've had a lot of guidance streaming through and I want to share some of those things here and what exciting things are in the works.
     I've come to the conclusion that, I am young, but I am not getting younger and I want to be successful NOW. I don't want to wait to be successful until I am 30 or 40, NO, I want to be successful NOW.
    What do I mean by "successful"? I want to be working from home, providing for my family, expanding my potential, and to be helping others do the same. That's what I want.
    My self confidence is back. I'm feeling more powerful each day as I take responsibility for my self and my life and I feel like I'm on top of my game. The ball is rolling and I'm running with it!
    If you have read previous blogs here, then you know that I'm participating in a beach body work out program called PiYo with Chalene Johnson. It's a combination of Pilates and Yoga all in one. It doesn't require any weights or equipment except YOUR OWN BODY WEIGHT. It's all about alignment, balance and strengthening the core and expanding potential. Dedicating to this program has helped transform my life SO much already and I'm not even half way finished - It's a two month program.
    I'm so pleased with it that I want to become certified to teach it live and be a coach!
    Not only is this in the works, but I will also be starting training to be a water pourer for traditional native american sweat lodges. It's a huge honor to be part of this lodge and community, I also feel led to organize women's meet ups/lodges for female empowerment and transformation.
    On top of that, I'm also being tutored in Quantum Code healing.
    With all of these things occurring at the same time, one would think I would be overwhelmed... Well, I'm not feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling exhilarated and anxious to see what the future holds in store.
    This is my path to self employment! It's happening! Y'know, the best way to be financially successful and secure is to have multiple streams of income flowing in. That way, if something does fall through, you're not screwed. Also, with two, three or four means of income, you got a steady flow of income all the time!
    That's what I'm going for and that's what is happening right before my eyes.
    I've experienced a lot of obstacles to get to where I am now, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep your eyes on the prize: Don't worry about what may come or what stands in your way because it's only testing your strength and your will to accomplish your goals! Don't let anything stand in your way. The only thing keeping you back is YOU.
    YOU have to expand your potential, YOU are the only one who can recognize what is in your way and YOU are the only one who can surpass the obstacles that you face. Find your determination, find your motivation and GET TO IT! Stop wasting your time living a life you don't want to live! Get out there and do something crazy and different and wild! Prove to yourself that there's nothing to fear! Soar, fly, spread your wings and go for the impossible because nothing is truly impossible... The word itself says. "I'm Possible"! That's a quote from somewhere...
    Take the bull by the horns and steer that MuthaFUKKA in the direction YOU want to go.
    Start by writing down your goals. That is the first step.
    Next, prioritize! Which goals do you want to accomplish first?
    Set your mind to it and brainstorm, what will it take to get you there? And don't get hung up on the "what if's", don't even entertain that BS. EYES ON THE PRIZE.
    Get clear about what it is you need to do to reach your goals and DO IT.
    Kick those old habits, invest in your personal health and growth, YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG INVESTING IN YOUR PERSONAL HEALTH.
    The reason you need to write it down is because that is like telling the Universe what you want to sign up for. Like, in middle school and high school you got to sign up for your electives, TELL THE UNIVERSE THE ELECTIVES YOU WANT TO TAKE.
    This is so powerful because often times we get distracted to the point that we don't know what we ever came here to do in the first place. So start that new regime, make new choices, break out of those repetitive cycles and try something new.
    Writing your goals down and thinking about how you want to accomplish them is a powerful way of getting momentum built up in that direction. Once you write it down, the Universe is going to burst in to action to help you get there. You just have to gather your energy and channel it in to whatever it is you want to have for yourself. Then buckle your seat belt and enjoy the ride!

The Moon Lodge

    I have become fascinated with the ceremonial sweat lodges and I wish to organize women's lodges on every full moon.
    If you read the blog titled "Transformation at it's Finest" from February, you know how my first lodge experience was. Well, yesterday I attended another lodge on my own for Ostara, the spring Equinox and had another great experience, without the crazy purging episodes afterwards... if you dont know what I'm talking about, go read that other blog first before you continue this one ;)
    Yesterday was FULL of synchronicities meaning, Spirit was really working through me yesterday!
    I had just dropped my hubby off at work and was about to head drop my son off so I could head to the lodge, I would have arrived about an hour early had it not been for a message I received from Annie, an adorable woman I met at my first lodge in February.
    She messaged me right after I left my husband's work and asked if I could give her friend a ride. She practically begged me to pick her up and that I would not regret it, for, this woman was a light being who really needed to come to the lodge and didn't have a ride.
    I pulled in to a gas station right at the highway I was about to get on and thought... i dont know who this lady is... what if im too boring? Then I thought, this would be a great chance to meet another kindred soul, if she wants to attend the lodge, she must be a great person. Plus, she is a light worker, like me! this could be a great experience!
    So, with that momentum and feeling my excitement, I called her. Annie sent me her number and I didn't even know her name so I introduced myself as Holly, Annie's friend and let her know I was about 30 minutes away and to get ready for the lodge. She was THRILLED and said, "you totally raised my vibration just now, I'll get my shit together!".
    I made a new friend!
    Her name is Donalee and she has work shops every Monday, coaching people to achieve their dreams through spiritual and self enlightenment. She is a vibrant soul and Annie was right, I absolutely do not regret picking her up last night.
    We arrived right as the door was closing on the lodge and we were told that we would have to come in on the 2nd round. So we got changed and grabbed our waters and waited by the fire for the lodge door to open once again.
    See, once the door closes, it stays closed (unless you need to go to the bathroom or escape the wet, heavy heat) until the water is gone and the water pourer (the one who leads the ceremony) is ready to start the next round.
    There are four rounds so there are four chances to join the lodge: when that door opens before each round. The four rounds, or, doors, symbolize the four cardinal direction which were sacred to native traditions. Each direction has a specified color, animal and meaning or message behind it. If you want to learn more, please read the "Transformation" blog entry from February or do a Google search, "traditional native american sweat lodge", there is plenty of info out there.
    We joined the 2nd round and the "south door" was with us. The lodge was PACKED like a sardine can. But not uncomfortable. With so many people and new comers, this lodge was a "cool" one, which means that the water pourer kept it gentle so as not to overwhelm. It gets incredibly hot in there. So much so that it is recommended to take metal jewelry off before entering or you may get burned.
    The whole idea is to sweat toxins out of the body. With the heat and sacred ceremony, you enter an altered state of consciousness. It is also pitch black in the lodge besides the light given off by the red hot rocks that the water is poured over.
    This is a "natural high" that strains the body to the point that it must work very hard, burning lots of calories, but if you start getting overwhelmed all you must do is tell the water pourer and you may leave the lodge. You will know if it is too much when you have a hard time breathing or start to feel like you are going to pass out.
    The day of the lodge, I would recommend eating light meals and drinking plenty of water.
    So as the ceremony for the South Door commenced, I thought to myself, how awesome would it be to have lodges for women only? I felt excitement in my whole body and a desire was born...
    Something happened in the North Door, the last round, that made the desire grow even stronger. The water pourer mentioned that the lodge was growing. That there would be lodges for women, Moon Lodges, and lodges for men, Warrior Lodges. And lodges for addiction recovery.
    So I am excited to say that I am now beginning to collaborate with the lodge elders to help me organize Moon Lodges on every full moon throughout the summer. I feel led to be a leader and water pourer for the Moon lodges. I feel a strong passion for this and I am excited to see where this leads.
    There are some amazing healing benefits to women gathering together. There are also amazing healing benefits when men gather together. The intention behind gatherings like this are strong and very powerful.
    Traditionally, women in native tribes would menstruate with the cycle of the moon and all their cycles come right around the same time of the month. This time was very sacred for native women and they would go to the lodge for support and comfort and guidance from Spirit.
    My thoughts is that the women who attend these lodges consecutively will all synchronize with our menses with the moon cycle again. This is a fun fact: women who live together often have their periods at the same time or very close together.
     I will keep the progress of the moon lodges here.

My Lack of Independence and My Desire to Be Independent

    I have social anxiety. This is a new, unexpected epidemic as a result of the age of technology. Social anxiety can show itself in a myriad of ways but one of them is the fear of doing something on your own. This is very strange for me, I never knew I was afraid to do things on my own... Until very recently.
    I was raised to do everything on my own, as if I could never rely on others to help me. It's always been expected of me to be independent. But the reality is, underneath the facade of strength is a very scared, dependent little girl.
    Growing up with the experiences I had made me toughen up to protect that scared little girl and eventually she was forgotten, swept under the rug. Too weak to sustain any amount of life or energy. But now, slowly, as she realizes it is safe, she peels off layer after layer of toughness to expose a raw, curious side of herself that hasn't shown it's face since she was three years old.
    Like the Sun rising over the horizon, thawing a long-frozen landscape and melting years of caked on ice, life flows back in to her veins and through her heart and feeling a resounding thud as it beats against the inside of her chest sending waves of crackling electric throughout her body.
    As a young teen, I developed an attitude that allowed me to feel safe enough to socialize and function on a social level. Now as that part of me melts away, I'm realizing how little I know how to participate with other individuals in a manner that expresses the feelings and thoughts of the scared little girl dwelling within these flesh walls. I don't know how to communicate with people who still have their, "frozenness". I think I'm beginning to understand that I'm not actually talking to their frozen hearts, and that I'm actually talking to individuals, just like me, who also have a raw, fresh side of themselves, just waiting to see the Sun over the horizon... That makes being social much less scary... We're all scared of something, so why not be open about it and be able to laugh with each other when we realize how silly we've been to separate ourselves from one another?
    I'm fairly certain that, if one is to survive in this life with even an ounce of color in it, one must be able to laugh at oneself!
    I'm also certain that if I were to evaluate myself in this very moment, I would not find one single hair of independence on my body. I have the desire to be independent but maybe that's just too tall of an order to fill right now. Y'know, If I could just leave the house, once in a while, without wondering if anyone else should come with me - then I would feel kinda independent.
    As I type this, I feel like I'm pulling my hair out, wondering if I'm typing this right or if anyone will read this and if someone does read it, would they attempt to understand me or just ridicule me?
    Well, I want to dedicate myself to being raw and unashamed. So, ridicule me, shame me, tell me I'm wrong, but the fact of the matter is, I'm just being me and there's nothing to be ashamed of for that. And if you don't even try to understand where I'm coming from, then you are seriously limiting yourself. But if you can feel, in the confines of your mind, a stretching sensation as if your mind were grasping for a new concept, you are on the right track YOU ARE EXPANDING YOUR MIND!!!
    ....As for breaking free of social anxiety.... It's a constant battle, and has a lot to do with balance and directing kindness and compassion towards oneself. I feel uncomfortable practically all the time and so I have to consciously get in to my comfort zone which could be coloring, painting, exercising, eating, bathing, calling a friend, stepping outside and feeling the ground on my bare feet or just laying down and taking a nap. Then there are times when I feel almost too comfortable and like my world needs to be a little unsettled, so then I do something out of my comfort zone like getting extra silly and weird with my son, doing things to make him laugh, in turn making myself laugh. Or I'll do an extra work out or go for a jog or pick up a hitch hiker. That's why I say, it takes balance to deal with anxiety because part of what keeps me in a state of anxiousness is an imbalance that desperately needs my attention.
    I constantly ask myself, "what do I need?", and what, "would make me feel good right now?", so I can keep tabs on myself. I'm wondering, though, if social anxiety is the right term for this condition. This very well could be an identity crisis. The reason I say that is... When you identify very strongly with something outside yourself, you may lose your individual identity completely!
    For me, its my family. I feel like I'm failing them if I'm not living for them. I feel like I'm doing something wrong or forgetting something if I do things without my family and without my family being the motivating factor. How weird is that? So, what is it that you identify most with? Your family, your friends, your belongings, your position, your pets? You may be shocked to find out what you are living for and that you are not in fact living for YOU.
    Growing up I always felt wrong and out of place and guilty... Growing up I had to leave my unique identity behind for the sake of survival of the fittest and my vulnerable heart would have crumbled and DID crumble many times by the weight of my family. So I became hard and cold inside, anger and frustration took the driver seat of my life (if you have seen "Inside Out" the pixar animated movie, you know the crazy things that can happen when Anger is in the driver seat!).
    Now, as I grow in to new levels of love and joy, the old layers of guilt, shame, and blame are shedding off like skins of an onion. Yep, I very well may be an ogre ;) LOVE Shrek! Alright, that's enough movie references for tonight...
    Good night...

How I Projected My Daddy Issues... And How to Heal Them.

    Where to begin...
    I didn't have a childhood that many, "outsiders", would consider abusive but there were multiple occasions when my father completely crossed boundaries that should never have been crossed. And as a result of how some of the experiences with my father affected my delicate psyche as a delicate child, I am very adamant about NOT physically punishing children.
    The first thing some people seem to assume when I say I will not discipline Murphy with violence is that he is going to be completely untamed and be a wild, crazy animal without any guidance or morals... Personally, I believe that it actually takes a great deal of intelligence to guide and discipline without forceful and violent means. It takes a level of intelligence that many people do not exercise because it is very difficult to break the strong vortex of a repetitive cycle that's been passed on for generations.
    My parents were physically and forcefully disciplined. Their parents were physically and forcefully disciplined and so on..... When you don't know of any other way to solve problems you will not search for other ways to solve problems because violence has become a successful means of getting one's way. But If you use your higher mind for problem solving, meaning, not using the violent and, what I will call the, "Basic", mind, you will show your children there are other ways of solving problems. In theory, this would make them less prone to violence.
    I'm going to talk briefly about children again, this is a very commonly discussed topic in my blog because childhood says so much about an individual and that is, after all, where it all begins.
    Each child is different. Even though brother and sister or brother and brother or sister and sister may be borne from the same parents, each child has a very different set and combination of prominent and recessive genes. For example, I have a very cute dimple in my chin and my sister does not. That is a very simple expression of the difference in each individual whether we share parents or not, WE ARE ALL "YOU-NIQUE".
    So each child would naturally have you-nique tendencies and talents, likes and dislikes, hobbies and habits, and each child needs their guardians/parents to flex to each child's specific, you-nique needs.
    My father, like many old school parents, only knew of one way to raise children. Or maybe he had the idea that there is only one way to raise children... Regardless, upon marrying my step mother, he realized that there were other ways of raising children. So while me and my sister got whipped with his leather belt (sometimes to the point of purple and black bruising on our asses) my step siblings got grounded.
    My father thought physical and forceful discipline was a natural component to raising children. And rarely did he solve problems with me on any other level than violence or leaving me in a corner in shame or yelling at me making me feel as small as a grain of rice, or not talking to me and turning a cold shoulder to me making me feel worthless! Wow, I'm still releasing some pain over this...
    And it's a wonder why our so called "civilized" society is so full of violence and women who feel no value and men who rape them. I think a truly civilized society would be devoid of these things.
   Now, on healing the issues we face today in our problem solving as adults, the first key is that you admit to yourself that you were not raised in a way that you want to repeat and let yourself feel those feelings that you don't want to hold on to any more. Let yourself feel it all over again, it's ok now, it's safe to let it go..
    You might feel pain, you might feel shame or sadness. Whatever it is you felt, let yourself feel it. Let out the steam through tears or eating or burning incense or taking a bath, using essential oils, brushing your hair, do whatever you feel led to do in that moment of feeling. Afterwards, when you have done that, you will noticeably feel better than you did. Keep both of those feelings in your mind or where ever you feel it, maybe in your heart or in your abdomen. It will feel like holding polar opposites in your hands. Black and white, and these will be holding the same space within you.
    While in this meditative state, you are capable of anything. You are capable of healing yourself, wiping the slate clean. You are capable of creating planets and ending poverty. That space you are in, is the eternal mind or the God mind. This is a state of complete balance and awareness and acceptance!
    The trauma I felt as a result of my father's choice of discipline was like a stain on my glasses, every time I felt someone getting angry, particularly with a child, my whole body tensed up and I could feel my blood pressure sky rocket. Survival mode starts to kick in and look for ways to combat a predator or flee for my life, putting my body and my biosphere into a state of resistance and fear.
    This is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This "dis-order" has the effect of making ordinary experiences in to full on apocalypses within the self, unnoticeable by anyone around you who is unaware of the condition. So the only escape ends up being you expressing those feelings.
     PTSD has built our society and has been passed for generations. Now we are evolving out of those limiting bondage's and stretching in to a new way of life here on Earth. It's happening, we can all feel it in some way or another.
    The soul is always expanding and looking for more and new ways to expand. This is often in the disguise as healings or traumatic events. It's not always traumatic but sudden, unexpected changes that force you to make sudden, unexpected changes are your soul jumping, leaping in to more expansion and growth.
    I still experience some anxiety when I feel the heat of anger beginning to boil, and I still get a little scared when I see a child get spanked when not listening to mommy or daddy. But the difference for me now is palpable. I opened up and talked to my mother in law and one of my close friends. They both listened to my sobbing story and helped me to gain a sense of balance within myself after I got it all out. Now, when I feel anger and get uncomfortable, I can leave the room without feeling like I'm abandoning myself. Because I've brought the part of my self that was stuck in those memories back in to the present moment. There is still a sense of tenderness there... But it's different. I can tell this is just the start of a new chapter in my life. The slate has been wiped clean.

Getting Excited About My Health! Changing to a Healthy Lifestyle.

    A week ago today, I started a BeachBody workout program, PiYo. It is a happy combination of Pilates and Yoga expertly synchronized by Chalene Johnson (which is my maiden name! haha). This program features short daily workouts and one rest day a week. Also included in the bundle was a bag of Shakeology and a clean eating program to go with it. Its been a hassle getting used to this new lifestyle so I haven't had time for other things like blogging. But that's something I'm willing to keep to a minimum a couple times a week instead of daily blogs.
    When you begin a new life style, its tough to get in to a new groove but, it can be so rewarding! To change my lifestyle I am giving my body a lot more, much needed attention. I'm choosing more active activities and choosing healthier foods, eating smaller portions and learning how to cook lots of new, light, yummy, healthy dishes and I'm excited to be taking control of my health. And here's a tip for any self help junkies or new age junkies learning all about self love: Loving your body IS loving your self!
    What's really been getting me excited are these new recipes and new foods. So, one thing people assume about healthy eating is that its all bland and not filling. Well, let me tell you, eating until you are TOO full is an eating disorder. You don't have to finish all the food on your plate. Once your hunger is satisfied, quit eating! There is a buffer zone between. "not hungry/satisfied", and, "TOO FULL/STUFFED". And that's what you want to avoid. If you're still eating after you feel full, you are eating too much! And you can stick to serving sizes but each person has a different limit, a unique portion size. It's up to you to find out what that is! Try eating smaller amounts of food more frequently throughout the day to keep the metabolism going. Eating too much at once will drastically slow metabolism while eating small "power snacks" throughout the day will keep it on fire!
    Eating healthy does not mean eating bland foods and no eating dessert. You have to be really dedicated to your over all health to really keep to a healthy eating pattern. You will need to learn about new, different foods and what foods combine well together and what foods dont combine well. Every time you eat, a chemical reaction occurs in your belly. This is why you may get a tummy ache after eating dairy and an orange or another citrus-type of food. The acidity of citrus fruits will spoil milk before it is fully digested. On the other hand, in India, food fasting is common and one meal they will eat after sun down or before sun up is yogurt and dates. Apparently this combination is excellent for intestinal flora.
    In one week I have lost about 3 pounds and I feel so healthy. I'm also really taking control of my personal health and dissolving old eating habits and feel like life is good again. I'm so excited for this year. The last year was very dense and heavy. Lots of healing going on globally. This is a new year full of new experiences and new ideas and new creations and new choices and new behaviours. I feel the energy of this year crackling like pop rocks and light and brisk like the cool air off the river after a sunset. It feels like home. There is much momentum in positive directions. I feel it on my tongue. There's a warmth to it, I feel the summer coming, sailing in on the spring breeze.
    Meal preparation is key for these meal programs. Most of what I eat is made from scratch with organic ingredients and lots of alternatives like plain yogurt instead of sour cream, rice noodles instead of white flour egg noodles, coconut or olive oil instead of butter, stevia extract (always go with the liquid, not the powder) instead of sugar. I typically make large batches of food and refrigerate left overs to eat through out the week. In the morning I drink a small glass of water before I eat anything. Doing this and drinking green tea are key components to boosting metabolism along with eating small "power meals" more frequently throughout the day instead of eating three large meals for breakfast lunch and din.
    The reason why most of the food I eat is made from scratch is because, even though the packaged products from the store are convenient like hummus and salsa, they are loaded with unfamiliar ingredients and preservatives that over long periods of time can do a number on the body. In fact, it is my educated guess that preservatives are a silent cause of cancer... hush hush...
    WHY would I make such an assumption? Well, it's not much of an assumption. All cancer is, are mutated cells that, get this, DON'T KNOW HOW TO DIE. You see, death is a natural process of all life and living things, including every cell in our body. In fact, thousands of cells are dying every second, being replaced by new cells. SO when cell death, or, Apoptosis does not occur in a certain tissue or organ... TUMORS appear. Today, there are so many cancer causing criminals out there but I personally believe preservatives could be one of them, keeping cells alive longer than needed.
    Ok, sorry, I kind of went on a soap box there... Back to the topic!
    I think the most challenging part of this life style change has been meal preparation. It's difficult to go from frozen TV dinners and packaged Ramen noodles to cooking rice noodles and making your own pesto sauce with fresh basil, garlic and olive oil. But, hey, these foods are incredible and I feel incredible so I must be doing something right. lol
    Alright, that's all folks.
    Peace, Love and Good Health :)
   

Ah, children... Living **PEACEFULLY** in a Community or Large Families

    The way children are being raised is changing. No doubt, every generation seems to be different in some ways. Why is that? Our world is changing with every generation, so naturally, so will the people and animals and even plant life. But what seems to be arising for the following generations is a way of raising children in awareness of emotions and feelings.
    Currently, we live in a household of 7 including me, my husband and our one year old son, my husband's brother and his two year old daughter, and of course, mom and dad, my in-laws. It gets hectic around here but I honestly love it.
    Seven is a recurring number for me. When my dad married my step mother - I think I was about 5 years old - my sister and I seemed to inherit three older siblings. Two brothers and another sister. There was such a difference in age and upbringing that we never truly got along or got to know each other, but some how the seven of us managed.
    Now, I find myself in another 7 person home/community. I never really noticed that until now... But it's pretty funny.
    The thing about communal living is, it will challenge you every day, every moment. It's tough sometimes living with lots of people with lots of different ideas and beliefs and ways of doing things. It's a challenge because a lack of compromise can quickly become the death of a community but when compromise is consistently met, it can become almost an artful way of living and beautiful at that.
    As I was saying at the beginning of this article, the ways of raising children are changing. Every generation is more and more privileged, more and more opportunities and materials are available to the young generations.
    With this comes a natural increase in overall education levels. Children have a wealth of information at their fingertips on smart phones and computers. Children are being taught to use computers at very young ages, possibly even first grade now. I know some of my young nieces, nephews and cousins are avid tech junkies.
    Beyond this is a silent controversy about child rearing and punishment. The reason I call it a "silent controversy" is because it's not politically correct and is otherwise offending to even speak about how to raise children. Honestly, WHY AREN'T THERE CLASSES IN SCHOOL TEACHING STUDENTS HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN? Is it because your parents are supposed to tell you those things, like the sex talk? Well, I never got the sex talk. Sex was an absolutely forbidden topic in my home.
    Let's face it, we are expected to know what to do when we have children. I've been told, "if you know how to make them, you should know how to raise them". Well FUCK you. Because making love is not just about making children, OKAY? Children don't come with personalized instruction manuals so it's actually quite cruel to expect anyone to know what the hell they are doing when it comes to raising children.
    So, while there is no instruction manual, it is almost taboo to talk about raising children like it is taboo to talk about sex. Why is that? Why do you think? Alright, my soap box is over... moving on...
    Child rearing is fading out. It may not ever be gone, but other ways of handling children are being introduced to the world. My mother, for one, was never physically punished in any way. So naturally, she didn't physically punish me or my sister and the one time she tried, she failed miserably and we ended up laughing about it.
    You know why child rearing is phasing out of raising children? It's the difference between a king leading his people by love or fear. You will sure condition a child in to minding you if you beat them when they do something you dont want them to. But if you give them undivided attention and unconditional presence, you will be there to guide them through whatever comes up, showing them love instead of making them fear you.
    Using fear is an easy way to manipulate others... but it's the most destructive way to raise a child, in my honest opinion.
    I am no saint. I will not claim that title because I have used fear to manipulate others. But at least Im willing to admit it and really see my actions in an authentic way. Every day is a challenge to love more and rise above the manipulation tactics and exercise my brain, my heart and my soul to find other ways of dealing with situations.
    Parents are now doing a lot more breast feeding, co-sleeping (where the baby sleeps with parents instead of a little cage somewhere across the room or in another room completely), baby wearing (putting the baby in a carrier instead of an obnoxious stroller), using natural wipes and cloth diapering, using "clean" or "green" detergents, not doing circumcisions, making home made baby foods with whole, unadulterated, organic foods, eating the placenta, natural birth/water birth/lotus birth, and so much more because we are becoming aware of emotions and feelings and vibrations and frequencies! It's a huge movement which can be partnered with the "new age" movement.
    More and more people are home schooling their children or doing Waldorf schools, free schooling, etc. Everything is changing when it comes to raising children. Im not suggesting public schools being wiped out or GMO foods being banned or child rearing made illegal and what not, instead, I am voting that for some day there will be a happy balance of all of it so that there are even more options available to every social class.
    A recent personal experience brought a lot of this up for me. So Murphy co-sleeps with me and Corey. That means he does not have a bed or crib. The reason for this is I don't want to be separated from my baby and I would wake up a lot sooner to tend to him in the middle of the night if he were right next to me rather than across the room or in a different room entirely.
    However, lately, my libido has been ZILCH. I just have no urge to be intimate with my husband. This has obviously caused some issues in my marriage because my husband seems to have an increased libido now that I have none. Inconvenient and annoying... But something had to be done about it. So I talked to my mother in law who suggested that maybe it's because Murphy sleeps in our bed. A wise thought indeed. Murphy is 14 months old now and as much as I would love to say we could go to a different part of the room or house to be intimate like the couch or kitchen or... its NOT OUR HOUSE and there are others here all the time so that's not exactly an option.
    So to make a story short, I purchased a small toddler bed, about the size of a cot and put it at the end of our bed. That has made things a little easier but at the same time, more cramped in our room. But I am happy with this decision because sooner or later, Murphy will catch on and possibly start sleeping there on his own without me having to nurse him. Plus he can climb up and down from it easy as pie. My whole theme of parenting is supporting independence and preventing trauma.
    My mother in law picked up on the fact that I base a lot of my decisions for Murphy on prevention of trauma. My question is, why aren't more people aiming to prevent trauma for their babies and children? All it takes is a little empathy... Which every human and animal has as a natural trait. That's why if you hold a high vibration of love, animals will be less likely to run from you. But if you hold a lower vibration of fear, animals won't think twice about dodging for cover from or flat out attacking you. This is most easily seen in cats and dogs. Seriously. Not kidding. Keep an eye out when you are with your pets and how they react to different people. You will be shocked at their behaviour when you try to empathize and understand it. Same goes for children.
    But you will never understand this unless you look for it. How could you know if something was there if you never looked?

 

Where's My Mommy Syndrome

    It's about time I write about my childhood. Now, as a young adult, I believe I have a better understanding for what happened when I was a small child and the affect certain events have had on my behaviour and choices throughout my life.
    My father was and is a very strict, rightwing, religious man and he always said there was an addictive spirit on my mother's side of the family and to be careful not to make the same choices my mother made... Part of me thinks this was part of his oh so righteous plan to keep me from my mother's side of the family.
    They divorced when I was three. And he had a way of making her out to be the bad guy but, the truth is that, there is addiction on both sides of my family. My Father and his relatives have plenty of shadows that are left unspoken of at family reunions...
    My Mother, on the other hand, was the light of my life. The joy she created in my very sweet child hood radiated like her spirit; Warm, sunny, soft and full of laughter. She was easy to get along with but, don't get me wrong, you didn't want to fuck with her family or what was a sweet, innocent loving woman became a bat out of hell. She's always had a tough side to her. Im glad to have inherited that.
    Her family life was lacking in the area of emotional presence and support, much like how my life ended up as a result of her going away. She had an addiction to meth. She would do good for a few years, three years she could be clean. Then it would take her under and I wouldn't see her again. She went to prison when I was about 4 years old.
    Until now, at 23 years old, she has been in and out of prison. Three years has been a repetitive mark for her, and now that her health is failing her and she has two grand children, she's finally decided herself, "too old for that bull shit". Yup, that's my mum.
    I hated her, y'know, for a long time. For not being there. For choosing drugs over me and my sister. For destroying our family with her selfish choices... But one day that all changed.
    I ran away from home, my step mother and father wouldn't let me be with a boy I fell head over heels for. I was 15. I was supposed to meet him somewhere and I walked 10 miles in the rain to meet him. When I reached the meetup location, I called to see where he was; he told me to go home. My parents had called the police, they knew he was involved and he didn't want to go to jail.
   Cold, drenched, alone and hard as stone, I called the only person I knew couldn't judge me or belittle me. I called my mom. She had a car at the time and had been out of prison for a couple years. She wasn't far, maybe 10 minutes drive and she came to pick me up. She fed me, bathed me and clothed me. And she waited for ME to be ready to call my father and step mom to let them know I was safe and tell them where I was. She listened to my story, my thoughts and my beliefs. And told me I was right for what I believed in and that, unfortunately, I was just too young to move out and pursue my dreams yet but not to give up on them. And that meant a lot to me.
    Legally, I couldn't stay with my mother until I was 18 years old. I wanted to stay with her, I couldn't stand living at home anymore. But there was no way to do that without the consent of my father. Which he would not agree to it over his dead body. And rightly so. My mother went to prison about a year later for more drug charges when I was 16.
    But this time was different. I didn't get mad, I didn't write her any mean letters. I was disappointed, of course, but something happened the day I called my mom to come get me. I saw her, I really saw her. And saw my self at the same time.
    Her apartment was full of color, stuffed animals, she even had a sexy poster of Eminem in her bathroom and had a music video album DVD of No Doubt, Gwen Stephani, who became one of my favorite singers. She kept a baseball bat by her door and a one of those older style TVs with the clear plastic frame so you can see the electrical insides.
    She told me her story, one of the first times I actually got to hear about her childhood. Her mother was a raging alcoholic and her father was kind but I never heard much about him. My mother has one older sister and two older brothers. As the youngest, she was never reared or spanked or punished in a physical manner and she showed my sister and I the same mercy which my father lacked completely. Her father's side of the family was thoroughbred Irish and her mother's side, polish.
    She skipped school a lot with a couple best friends, one of which was killed in a car accident, and the other one stays in contact to this day. She grew up on the east coast in Kingsburg, NJ. Any time she was caught with a boy, her brothers or father would chase him off so she never got to truly date anyone until she was 17 and 18 years old. She also took a road trip to Cali with a guy friend when she was in her early 20's, just like I did with Corey, my husband. Her older sister, my aunt, lives in Cali with her husband and they have two sons. We've been able to visit quite a few times and the energy of California pulls me in like a magnet.
    I never understood why they were married for seven years without killing each other, they were so completely different. Apparently the drugs brought them together and the drugs brought them apart. She couldn't give it up and my dad became holy since he did.
    The other night I had another breakdown that left me feeling much like I did that day I ran away. Recently I realized one of my psychological twitches was actually a thing, like an addiction. I have an addiction to relationships. Teal Swan wrote a nice long blog about this the other day, you can read it yourself, I tried to get the link but it's not working for me. If you are interested, read her blog titled "My Raw Yet Pristine Paragon". I just love the way she writes. Such an artist!
    This is called "Attachment Addiction" and if you know anything about the nature of addiction, you know that addiction can happen with anything from chocolate to porn, drugs, food, coffee, work, and even relationships. So I called the only person who I thought would understand and who couldn't judge me or belittle me... I called my mom.
     I told her that, just like she was addicted to the only thing that made her feel good, meth, I was addicted to the only thing that made me feel good, relationships/attachments.  My mother has been in and out of my life for 23 years. That took a toll on my young, fragile mind and I think, in some way through my addiction, I've been searching for my mommy. That fractured part of me, that little child who just wanted to know where mommy went, has been crying out in all of my relationships. And it makes sense to me now why my relationships have always turned out so badly.
    The reason I say that I have an addiction to relationships is because once I started having relationships, I never wanted to be without one. I would go to great lengths to secure a relationship and even once I had one, I would lead other boys along to make sure that there would be someone waiting for me on the other side.. in case things went wrong. For a long time, the longest amount of time I would be single averaged around one week. Sometimes only a day or two days would go by before I had another boy to claim me, when in reality, I had claimed him and twisted fate to make him chase me...
    Mind you, I was only in high school, and I wasn't technically allowed to date guys but, y'know, at school you can pretend and get away with a lot more than you would think. I smoked weed, cigarettes, skipped school, had sex in school... lol some of my best friends don't even know that. But since my parents were so strict, I had to live it up somewhere. Now to think of it, at least at school I was in a much less dangerous environment than out of school going to parties and shit.
    Now that I am married, my addiction doesn't really mesh well with my life style. It's been causing all sorts of unexpected problems on a personal level and between me and Corey. I'm just glad that I've been able to understand what the core issue is and the more I let myself explore that part of me, the more I can love my self and the more I can recover, so to speak, and begin living a normal life.
    The other, dangerous part of this addiction is, I still try to woo men. It's not a conscious effort. My subconscious mind has become a master at this, to where it is nearly effortless to get someone to look at me... That's dangerous to my marriage. Can you see how this could be very damaging to my marriage and to Corey?
    For a long time I've tried suppressing and getting rid of this aspect of me but through all the torture it still lives and still drives me mad and still tries to secure other possible matches. That is just NOT ok. Even though at one time that was a great survival technique to getting my needs met, my needs have changed with my life but the problem is that that part of my mind has not changed at all. This is where I need help.
    My mother understood completely and even said that I was already on the road to recovery since I am seeing the addictive behaviour. That's the first step.
    See, suppressing the part of me that is so masterful at captivating and wrangling up mates doesn't make it go away. In fact, it just causes other problems. Like this completely explains my social anxiety. I never used to have social anxiety until I decided that part of me was bad... But if I never thought it was bad, I would never have been a match to marriage. I would have kept attracting random people and getting my self in to unmatched relationships all because I needed to not be alone.
    Now I can see how that part of me really helped me survive on an emotional level, but as my life has changed, I need that part of me to resign, to retire. But for that part of me to feel comfortable enough to resign, so to speak, there are some things that I need to do to show that I no longer need it for my survival and protection.
    That part of me does not trust Corey. Since the most important people in my life have always been transient, absent or impermanent, why would he be any different? Well, that's a valid thing to think. But it's been two and a half years and Corey has stuck with me thru hell and back, several times, I really don't think he's goin' anywhere! I know he is youthful and full of energy, he has some very strong views and ideas, his beliefs are different from most other's and isn't like any other guy I've every been with. Those are not bad qualities because those are the reasons I'm married to him!
    Corey also has a very sensitive nature to him, and is very loving and caring. It really hurts him when others get hurt and when he is misunderstood by those he loves. He will tolerate, but if you mess with people he cares for, it can be dangerous. But he is intelligent and prefers to win battles with words and artistic expression of his ideas. That's a good thing because I can know beyond any doubt that he would never physically hurt me. And that's a great quality.
    He will accept any one, but wants the same in return. He does not discriminate and treats others with equal respect until he is disrespected. Even then, however, he will still show kindness and forgiveness to those who disrespect him or belittle him. He is not afraid of confrontation but is afraid to lose the ones he loves.
    Come to think of it, he sounds a lot like my mom :) They do have a lot in common...
    Well there you have it... What a resolution. Perhaps now I can have some peace and the torn side of me can rest in peace, knowing I will be well taken care of.

   

Charge up for Spring!

    It's been about a week since I wrote last. Mostly because I haven't been feeling well. Food poisoning really kicked my butt.
    I woke today from a dream that gave me motivation to get moving ~~~ This morning I went for a jog. Something I've been itching to do but NOT in the frigid cold. The early February thaw is upon us and the mornings are warming. Today is a great day to start my fitness training!
    I recently bought a beachbody/shakeology program called PiYo (pilates + yoga). These programs are reminiscent of the P90X series. I've been dying to get some of the left over pregnancy weight (and greed/binge eating weight) off so I've given myself a great opportunity to do so.
    The past week has been super challenging health and emotion wise so now that I've gotten that shit out of the way, Im ready to start kicking this ass in to gear! Pardon, my french is poor, but I've mustered up a lot of energy to back this up.
    When you start new things in life, especially if you are moving out of a frequency of "stuckness", it may be difficult to really get up and make that first move. Sure signing up for the gym is easy. Getting that free visit with a personal trainer might be easy too, but going back and sticking with it is another thing entirely. You have to have some gumption, some real motivation to not give up on yourself and things that are important to you.
    Do you have trouble with motivation? I have a few tips that might lessen the burden and just might get you on your feet...
    I personally feel the number one problem with lack of motivation is HIGH EXPECTATIONS. Let's face it, we all want to be healthy, but if you expect yourself to go vegan tomorrow and join a fitness program tomorrow and you've been eating happy meals daily and havent been active in months (or years), then you may not succeed with your first try. That doesn't mean that you should give up though! Don't get me wrong, there are people who can make a decision and completely win at whatever they do, maybe some of us have had those kinds of experiences... But as we get older, we form habits and patterns and to just keep it 100, it's harder to teach an old dog new tricks. BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. You know what it takes? DEDICATION. COMMITMENT. PATIENCE. COMPASSION. And to teach yourself new tricks, you need the same essential elements!
    What have I done to get to where I am? All I had was an idea. But I've incubated and stewed that idea for a long time. I've thought about getting active for a long time. I've thought about eating a healthy diet for a long time. I've thought about being an energy worker for a LONG TIME. I've also wanted to start waking up early for a long time. All of these ideas/dreams have kindof converged at about the same time, all coming together to help form the life I desire for my self.
    Start small. A good example is my wake up time. For me to live the life I want to live, I need to wake up early. I love the energy of morning time but since I was forced to wake up early for school throughout my child hood and young teen years, it hasn't been on my list of things to do since graduation. It's been 5 years since I was most active and woke up early in the morning. So one day I set an alarm for 6am. I thought, it would be nice to be able to wake up at this time. 

Transformation at it's Finest!

    The past couple days have been so eventful. Great transformation is occurring within the collective, within the universe and within each and every one of us. In a matter of two days I have been cleansed, I have been heart broken, I have come close to death (at least that's what I think), and I have recovered. Let me recap these two days.
    Saturday Corey and I went to a traditional Native American sweat lodge ceremony. It was powerful, and I felt super connected with these individuals I had never met in this life. I felt like I was meant to find these people. To be honest, I cant remember a lot of the details of what transpired in the lodge because it surpasses physical experience. That is the whole purpose of these events, to surpass the physical and connect with the divine, all that is. The process included opening the four doors, the cardinal directions.
    This was a very enlightening experience for me and for Corey and everyone involved as well. I recommend this but its not for everyone! Do some research on it before you jump in, me on the other hand, did not do any research. I thought, oh, it cant be much different than a sauna... YEA RIGHT. A sauna is like a sissy version of a sweat lodge. The traditional sweat lodge is like a small dome shaped structure that would, traditionally, be covered with hides. A fire is started outside the dome hours before you enter the lodge and big rocks are placed in the fire. In the lodge is a pit where the red hot rocks are placed and when everyone has entered in a clockwise circle to fill the lodge, herbs are brushed on the rocks for some wonderful aroma therapy. The doors are closed making it pitch black and then the water pourer pours the water over the glowing rocks, immediately making it super hot and steamy.
    The Lodge is a sacred place and upon entering you say, "All my relations", welcoming all your ancestors and spirit guides to be present with you in the lodge and assist you in healing and insight. "One heart, one mind, one spirit, one voice" is the chant before each directional door is opened. Very powerful stuff. So the four doors/directions...
    East is represented by the color yellow. The sun rises in the east and brings the day to life. This door represents the season of Spring. Rejuvenation, birth, sowing seeds of the crop, new beginnings and building. The East door also represents insight and disillusionment brought by the light. The question we were to ask ourselves was "What is your greatest gift, given to you upon birth?".
    The South door, the color red, is said to be where all life comes from (this makes me think of the root and sacral chakras [red and orange] dealing with sexual desire, fellowship and connection) and the season of summer. The sun is highest in the Southern sky, so heat and fire are also representatives of the South door. We were asked what our greatest fear was.
    West is the door of storms, destruction, death, erosion, and the season Fall. This may sound like a negative thing, however, destruction, death, storms and erosion are all natural occurrences in nature and are necessary for the wheel of life to turn in a balanced way. The question for the West door was "What has the greatest storm been in your life?"
    North is represented by the color white, the season of winter and the bear, who finds a cave and hibernates in the winter. What the bear's spirit tells us is when the life is harsh or we find ourselves alone, go inside to find comfort and safety. I also feel the north door encourages rest and reflection. Much like the trials of life, we must look inwardly for guidance when it cannot be found outwardly. We were not given a question for this door, there was such a large turn out for this event that we had already been in the lodge for almost three hours.
    This was by far the coolest spiritual experience I've ever had. Better than any hallucinogen. I've done my fair share of experimentation with "spiritual drugs" and it has continuously been my personal experience that there is no greater high than a natural one.
    Each question was asked and we were asked to each share our answer which is why it was such a long lodge. My greatest gift is the gift of sight and the ability to see beauty in all things. Often times people are illusioned and captured by the negative side and miss out on the beautiful side of things.
    My greatest fear is being alone. But I realized through insight that I actually have reinforced this fear. I have a habit of doing everything and taking care of it all, never wanting to burden another with the work and I am very good at multitasking at times when it's needed. There are times when I seem to be controlling since I cannot let another give their part or input. And most of the time this causes me to end up alone. The positive thing I got from this though is that once you realize these kinds of "distortions" or self reinforced fears/habits, once you realize them for what they are, that's when they really start to heal. You have to get all the way to the core for total healing to occur. This fear comes from my father. He was always working, always doing more and going beyond the call of duty so to speak to make sure ends were met and for this he was gone a lot and when he was home, he was distant and sometimes harsh.
    The greatest storm of my life passed just before my husband came in to my life. I was in a toxic relationship before I met my husband, one that no longer served me. It was a very destructive relationship. We both hurt each other beyond words and eventually things turned physically abusive. I thought I deserved it for what I had done... I was in a lot of emotional turmoil, asking myself why this was happening to me and what could I do to turn things around? One day I heard a phrase on the radio, a random song I've never heard since then that said, "you only get what you think you deserve". And with that harsh realization, I asked myself why I thought I deserved a hurtful relationship. It had to do with my lack of self worth and my practically non existent personal boundaries. I also believed that I didn't deserve someone to love me and not to harm me. But after doing some soul searching I pulled myself out of that cycle, I broke the chain and then along came Corey :) My life has been much different since then. Corey has challenged me to discover and reinforce my personal boundaries and re-member my self worth. I deserve to love and be loved. So do you!
    Later that night I got food poisoning. As if I hadn't lost enough liquids... I ended up dangerously dehydrated on Sunday and was contemplating going to the hospital which is really saying something for me. I do try to take good care of myself so I don't end up sick very often. But thanks to my mother in law, I'm feeling loads better today. She brought home a bunch of canned soup and Gatorade and made me a bowl to eat then said to get some rest while she watched Murphy. Before I laid down for a nap I did a quick energy make over with my new crystal wand and did the same for Corey this morning.
    This morning I woke from a dream that was very insightful. My favorite spiritual leader is Teal Swan. She's the forefront leader of the authenticity movement and has aided my spiritual growth since the day I found her on YouTube. She shows up in my dreams often. And I totally have a girl crush on her. Anyway... she was in my dream and was saying that now since she is completely within herself spiritually and centered within her purpose in life, others cannot bump off of her. She is completely going her own way, not basing her life off the actions, thoughts or beliefs of others. At least, that is the challenge of authenticity. You would be surprised to find out just how much your every day actions are based off residual life patterns and those who call themselves superior to you.
    In my example, it really messes with me BADLY if the dishes aren't done and I get on Corey about it too, but the reason is because I was literally abused if I didn't get the dishes done before my parents came home when I used to live with them. It really felt that way although they would deny treating me any such way. That's not the point though, the point is that, experiences we go thru leave residual pain that we may carry all through out our lives, creating experiences that reflect that pain as a result. Why? Because at the center of our being, we always desire wholeness and healing. And like said before, to heal the soul, we have to look all the way to the core.
    The last thing I remember before waking up is a strange person saying "The mind needs powerfully raw, uncontaminated ideas" just like the body needs raw, uncontaminated foods... haha, there's some food for thought.
    That's some inspiration for me to continue aiming to go vegan. It's been a process but I feel like that is what My Body desires. After all this purging it would be a sin to turn myself down. Since food poisoning I've been very sensitive to what foods I can eat... which is NOT a bad thing. What feels good with My Body is what I need. That is part of being self loving and listening to your body, your 'IN'tuition ;) So my path to going vegan is becoming clearer and clearer. It's hard to just go cold tofu vegan (get it? cold turkey ;) ;) lol but as a result of wanting to go vegan so much, I've seemed to created scenarios that allow me to do just that and more opportunities for making wise health choices have appeared in my life. So food poisoning may have been a blessing in disguise...

this is what the traditional sweat lodges look like!

https://youtu.be/oYjUIW0IzQQ (link to most recent Teal Swan video)

I would show you a pic of my wand but it doesn't want to be exposed lol sorry

This is a native american color wheel. Each Native american tribe has a different spin on the representations of each color and season, kindof like how religions are all very similar with very little separation between them... makes you wonder why the hell so many wars were started over religion...

Kings And Queens...

    We live in a very privileged society. It's true. We also live in a very suppressed society. This is also true. There are still kings and queens and slaves. But the crazy thing is we all have the role as king/queen and as slave. We hold both roles on a day to day basis. Let me show you.
    There are many things that people are paid to do for you. And you are paid to do things for others. This is how we live in a dualistic role society. This also goes for male and female roles. It used to be that women did not work outside the home and men did not cook for their family. There were very distinct roles for man and woman and there were very distinct roles for royalty and their slaves.
    The reason this came to mind today is, I recently found out that I may qualify for student loan forgiveness through the Obama relief act for student loans. There was an advertisement on Facebook by a law firm in Florida who, upon hiring them, would gather all the correct paperwork, fill it out for me, get the agreement set up and basically do all the dirty work... even though they specifically mention in fine print that you can, in fact, do all of this yourself. But for a nominal fee of $500 dollars they will do it all for you.
    Great! But why would I pay them $500 dollars to do something I can do myself? No way! I'll do the hard work finding out who my lenders and loan servicers are and what paperwork I need to apply for loan forgiveness. It honestly felt empowering to realize that I was actually taking the power in to my own hands.
    I feel like too often we pass off opportunities to take personal responsibility for our lives and our selves. We pay someone else to do our dirty work, much like kings and queens. Yet we still work a 9-5 job, doing the dirty work for another person.
    There's really nothing wrong with this, but it's interesting to think about. So if you are interested in finding out how to apply for student loan forgiveness, I will share the steps to do so when I get it all figured out. Just in case you want to take the power in to your hands as well! And do this while you can, these programs may not last much longer since Obama's last year is upon us!
    I also want to share with you the inspirational quote from my journal today. "I dream of things that never were and say, 'why not?'" by Robert Fitzgerald Kennedy. What is your favorite dream?
    There's a vision I get, like a day dream, but it feels more real. Its as if I'm traveling in time for a split second to experience this and I'm sprung right back to current time with a feeling of warmth and wonder. Its just a flash, but in this instant of vacation from current reality, I receive a lot of information: I'm in a market place with live music, it feels like India in mid to late afternoon; the sun is beginning to set. This is the best time to visit the market place since the heat of broad day can be crippling. I am exploring the vendors when I come across an intricately woven tapestry of red and gold natural fibers. Families are walking together, enjoying the comfortable atmosphere. There's a very clear energy here, pure even. This is why I also feel the setting is in India or Iraq, maybe even Egypt or Jerusalem. Those parts of the world are told to be where our race of homo-sapiens were born. It is very grounding and exciting to feel the movement of life, the rhythm of life.
    I feel this in my heart, perhaps it is a memory. If so, it is a very treasured memory. This is a perfect time to discuss memory. My whole life I've thought and have been told that all memory is stored in the brain. Science has proven that this is not correct. For instance, if you get a liver transplant, you may end up with memories that do not belong to you! Each and every cell of our body holds memory, and those cells make up tissues and those tissues make up organs and groups of organs make up systems in the body such the respiratory system or cardiovascular system and the digestive system. I said that I feel the memory of the middle eastern market place in my heart and on an energetic level, the heart is characterized by warmth, the colors pink, red, green and gold, love, and the heart is where grief is held. So when you hear someone say they have a broken heart, it is a very good expression of what that person is experiencing on an energetic level.
    Memory is held in all parts of the body, this is why soul memory discovery can be so incredibly healing and therapeutic. When you feel a pain in your body, ask it, as if you were asking a person in pain, "what is wrong, how can I help, how can I relieve your pain?", and see what happens for you. If you are open to hearing what your body may tell you, then you will get a message in the form of a vision, emotion, thought or another sensation that may help indicate what the pain needs to tell you. Well that's all for tonight. Bless you, and good night.

The World Didn't End After All!

    So I told you a few posts back that I've been given a wonderful opportunity to learn energy healing, but specifically, Quantum Code healing. I will tell you more about this particular technique another time because eventually I will be teaching this technique to people like you who want to pursue a career in healing others, or just yourself ;)
    Anyway, what I wanted to tell you about is my journey to becoming an energy healer. In order to heal, you must first be healed. That's just how it goes. Energetically, there is just as much sickness to be healed as there is on the physical level. Like with diabetes, cardiovascular disease, thyroid troubles and obesity; These are running rampant in the United States right now. You know what else is? Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, murder, etc. But all these things can be, and need to be, healed energetically as well as physically healed. What I'm suggesting is an integrative approach to illness including energy healing and prescription or natural medicines. In my book, I prefer natural medicine. Prescription medicine can actually prevent or block energetic healing which reinforces the need for and dependence on prescription drugs. Natural medicine mixed with energy healing can produce impeccable, life changing results.
    There are several types of energy healing such as what I am studying (quantum code healing), Reiki, meditation and guided imagery, dance, yoga and tai chi, acupressure and acupuncture are all considered energy healing modalities in my book. All of these have worked for me energetically. I have tried and enjoyed them all. But nothing has quite been as expanding as these past couple weeks while learning quantum healing.
    You see, to be a healer is to heal oneself and the possibility to aid others in their personal healing just comes naturally. If you wish to heal yourself or others, you can only heal being a healer. Once you take this path, in any form it may occur, you are going to deal with some pretty yucky stuff (energetically). And that's what I've been dealing with lately but I am sure glad of it. I feel better and better every single day! Now that's what I call LIVING!
    Well for those who do not comprehend the idea of energy healing, allow me to explain here in a mini lesson of quantum physics!
    Each and every person has an energetic field emanating from them called an "aura". So does every animal, every blade of grass, every tree, flower, insect, even the weather and the elements (fire, water, earth, wind), crystals, rocks, food, even countries and planets (and ours!) have very unique energy fields. Bacteria, fungi and each individual cell that makes your body appear whole, have a unique energy sequence/vibration/aura. And the coolest part, is that it's all connected! This is where the idea of "we are one" comes from! Because on an energetic level, WE ARE. Each living thing is unique just as each energy field is unique. To help you understand better, what if every human being was connected by an umbilical type of cord. "A living connection." That is how everything connects, it is a living connection of our energy fields, like an ocean connects all the fish to one another, touching each and every one!
    So now we know that on an energetic level, everything is connected, but not by cords LOL more like "chords" in a music piece - it is a vibrational connection. The idea I wanted to get to, is the idea that we are all connected and so when YOU start to heal, so does the world around you, it is a natural product of energy healing. If you've ever seen Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio and the chick from Juno, in the dream world they can maneuver the landscape and anything about the dream. As a master healer, you can do something like that too! As you heal, the people around you heal and everything starts to change because you are connected to everything! The world starts to look more beautiful as you heal. And the thing is, you don't have to be "sick" in order to need "healing"... If you have a feeling inside like you are "lost" or as if your life lacks meaning or purpose, then you are destined to be a healer and to be healed! You are called to raise the vibration of yourself, the planet and all that is!
    On another level, what it means to heal is to come in to your self, your being - to follow your calling and really become yourself. Not that you aren't you... but in some ways, you are not. For many of us, we are a product of our environment. We become the good little girl mommy and daddy want us to be. We become the American Dream or kill ourselves trying. We get a higher education and bind ourselves in mountains of debt because we think we have to in order to be successful. Or maybe you just wanted higher education, well either way, you're still going to be drowning in debt. At some point, we lose ourselves to the idea of what the society/our environment tells us we need to become. And as a result, our dreams die, we lose our imagination and fall in to the rat race - killing to make a living. ITS WRONG. And if you don't see what I am saying, then I'm sorry you wasted your time reading this, goodbye.
    On the other hand, if you had a feeling after reading this, an inner calling, then you may be called to heal, to be healed, to heal the world and heal all that is! To be a light bringer to the dark. That is a noble destiny, and one I intend to pursue. Any one with me? :)

 

Be Inspired!

    So I am anti-vaccines. Even though I got all the vaccinations (against my free will) and I am healthy, you may call me reckless, but I do not want my child getting vaccinated. That's not what this post is about though. My husband was required to get the Hep A vaccine to continue working in the food industry. He was upset that he was basically forced to get this vaccine in order to keep his job. Well that's not what this post is about either LOL lets get to the point, shall we?
    When me and our son, Murphy, were waiting in the car for Corey to get the vaccine, I was just thinking, I need to go in there and save him! I need to tell him he doesn't need to do this, he can quit his job! So we march in there with our saviour cape and gown, when, low and behold he had already gone back to the torture chamber... Defeated, we walked over to sit at the nearest couch. It was a rather large waiting area, like a huge lobby with several seating areas including semi-comfy modern black couches and chairs with short tables placed between them. The ceiling was tall with some kind of natural lighting coming in which was nice. There were two levels with wrap around walkways hugging the large lobby. It was unlike any other health center I had been to.
    We sat down and noticed there was one of those cool wall water falls (pic below). Murphy was really entertained and wanted to get in. I sat on the ledge to keep him from jumping in the shallow collection pond. It was nice, though I have distaste for doctors offices (I think its the energy of the medicine or the hyper clean environment), with the help of the openness of the atmosphere and the delicate but large waterfall I was able to find peace and comfort here for just a moment. I saw a sign saying to please not sit on the ledge or get in the pond so I scooped Murphy up and we sat on another couch facing the first couch we sat on when we came in. On the table was a cutely painted, decorative wooden crate with a single magazine in it. I wondered where the other books had gone and as I did my eyes spotted a little book on the floor with a bright cover that looked like a picture of the galaxy. The title was, "Be Inspired!". I thought, well ok, and I picked it up to discover it was much more than a book, in fact, it was an empty journal! Now, for a writer such as me, THIS IS GOLD!
    I was desperate to get home to write in it (because I didn't have a pen on me). On the inside of the cover there is a note that says, "Always a gift, never for sale" from the Little Free Library. It is a place where you can trade books in for others. Awesome! The note continues to say, "writing is evidence of reading, enjoy!". As far as I am considered this was a gift to me from the Universe! Thank you, Universe, I am inspired to write in this journal! On each page, front and back, there is a new quote to write about. The quote on the first page is a quote from Albert Einstein. He is an inspiration whom I also share a birthday with, the quote goes, "A person who never made a mistake, never tried anything new". What was the best mistake you ever made and what were some of the things you've learned from it? The best mistake for me was getting married! Haha, let me explain my case. Getting married is the single best choice I've ever made. The reason I thought it was a mistake was how soon we married after we met. I was certainly in love with him, but I was worried, most of all that I would hurt him... Which I have hurt him... and he has hurt me as well. "The thing about love is, every one is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth hurting for", a quote by Mr. Bob Marley, RIP <3 another amazing inspiration.
    For me, there are so many past choices I've made that were at one time, considered to be mistakes, that later turned out to be a blessing in disguise! I no longer look at those actions as mistakes. They were choices I made and I've learned at lot from them all. In fact, no action is a mistake when you are grateful for where it brought you.
    To help you try to see what I see, a mistake is simply an action you took, a choice made. Release all negative judgement towards yourself for making a choice that was already hard to make to begin with!!! There is no true right and wrong from a perspective of unconditional love. Part of me says I am being self-righteous or "holier than thou", sorry if you feel that way, but as a proud Pisces I am  psychic and can quite readily access other dimensions and perspectives. From God's perspective, there are no true mistakes, there are no true wrongs. Let me set this straight for all those who feel condemned; GOD DOES NOT JUDGE YOU. IN FACT GOD HAS NO JUDGEMENT AT ALL.
     If you feel as though you have made a mistake, you can be sure you have not seen the whole picture. One day, you may just be glad you made that mistake.
    Please don't think of me as insensitive, one day, you may look back and think the worst mistake you ever made was the best damn idea since pumpkin pie. From my experience, that's how it goes. There are a lot of things I have regretted in my past, but right now, in this moment, I am grateful and happy for where life has brought me. I have no room left for regret. All the mistakes and choices I've made have lead me to this place, to this state of joy and peace, and for that, I am great-full. Hallelujah! Thank you God, thank you God, thank you GOD!

The waterfall looked a little something like this.

And here is the cool journal I found!!! No coincidences! Thank you Universe!

Miracle-workers

    We live in a universe where the energy we hold attracts and creates what we experience, we can bring some amazing events into our lives by just noticing the abundance that surrounds us. It is commonly expressed by some people that they are, "broke", "funds are tight", they say. That may be true. But what are you resonating with in your day to day life to change that?
    Recently, the idea of abundance has been visiting me often. I caught myself saying, "I have an abundance of sweatshirts", when doing laundry today. "There is an abundance of dishes in this kitchen", when cleaning dishes and now that I think about it, there is an abundance of baby toys in this house. This makes cleaning up the toys, doing dishes and laundry much more humble experiences and by noticing the abundance that surrounds me, I also experience great-fullness and appreciation. I've also been experiencing an abundance of health lately with lots of delicious fruits and vegetables. You know, there is an abundance of water on the Earth. We will never run out. There is an abundance of land and air and animals and humans!
    This is actually bringing more and more abundance in to my life because I resonate with it. So naturally I will experience in my day to day life, abundance and things to be appreciative for. Where you plant your focus, a seed grows. So that means what you focus on grows. If you focus on lack and it haunts you day in and day out, then you are caught in a whirlpool of lack. You will subconsciously create lack in your experiences because there is momentum and strong energy behind being broke. Well if you are in that scenario and would like to instantly resonate with abundance, admit to yourself where you are at. If you find yourself lacking in every area of life, you can honestly say, "I have an abundance of lack in my life right now".
    Did you feel an energetic shift when you read that? That's because you beat the odds of the whirlpool. You stopped the whirlpool! That's how strong you are! There was so much forward momentum behind the idea of lack that you saw it everywhere you looked and adopted it as your reality. What you really truly desire is to be abundant and you didn't realize that you have an abundance... an abundance of lack. Once you admit to your current status and no longer resist it, then you begin to beat the odds. You change your fate! You change your life and you change your experience.
    Incorporate this in to any area of your life that you can. Admitting to and being realistic about where you are in life instead of living in resistance to where you are will set you free to focus your energy in the direction of your desires. Abundant blessings to you all!

An abundance of clouds, an abundance of cars and trees and homes! :)