My Lack of Independence and My Desire to Be Independent

    I have social anxiety. This is a new, unexpected epidemic as a result of the age of technology. Social anxiety can show itself in a myriad of ways but one of them is the fear of doing something on your own. This is very strange for me, I never knew I was afraid to do things on my own... Until very recently.
    I was raised to do everything on my own, as if I could never rely on others to help me. It's always been expected of me to be independent. But the reality is, underneath the facade of strength is a very scared, dependent little girl.
    Growing up with the experiences I had made me toughen up to protect that scared little girl and eventually she was forgotten, swept under the rug. Too weak to sustain any amount of life or energy. But now, slowly, as she realizes it is safe, she peels off layer after layer of toughness to expose a raw, curious side of herself that hasn't shown it's face since she was three years old.
    Like the Sun rising over the horizon, thawing a long-frozen landscape and melting years of caked on ice, life flows back in to her veins and through her heart and feeling a resounding thud as it beats against the inside of her chest sending waves of crackling electric throughout her body.
    As a young teen, I developed an attitude that allowed me to feel safe enough to socialize and function on a social level. Now as that part of me melts away, I'm realizing how little I know how to participate with other individuals in a manner that expresses the feelings and thoughts of the scared little girl dwelling within these flesh walls. I don't know how to communicate with people who still have their, "frozenness". I think I'm beginning to understand that I'm not actually talking to their frozen hearts, and that I'm actually talking to individuals, just like me, who also have a raw, fresh side of themselves, just waiting to see the Sun over the horizon... That makes being social much less scary... We're all scared of something, so why not be open about it and be able to laugh with each other when we realize how silly we've been to separate ourselves from one another?
    I'm fairly certain that, if one is to survive in this life with even an ounce of color in it, one must be able to laugh at oneself!
    I'm also certain that if I were to evaluate myself in this very moment, I would not find one single hair of independence on my body. I have the desire to be independent but maybe that's just too tall of an order to fill right now. Y'know, If I could just leave the house, once in a while, without wondering if anyone else should come with me - then I would feel kinda independent.
    As I type this, I feel like I'm pulling my hair out, wondering if I'm typing this right or if anyone will read this and if someone does read it, would they attempt to understand me or just ridicule me?
    Well, I want to dedicate myself to being raw and unashamed. So, ridicule me, shame me, tell me I'm wrong, but the fact of the matter is, I'm just being me and there's nothing to be ashamed of for that. And if you don't even try to understand where I'm coming from, then you are seriously limiting yourself. But if you can feel, in the confines of your mind, a stretching sensation as if your mind were grasping for a new concept, you are on the right track YOU ARE EXPANDING YOUR MIND!!!
    ....As for breaking free of social anxiety.... It's a constant battle, and has a lot to do with balance and directing kindness and compassion towards oneself. I feel uncomfortable practically all the time and so I have to consciously get in to my comfort zone which could be coloring, painting, exercising, eating, bathing, calling a friend, stepping outside and feeling the ground on my bare feet or just laying down and taking a nap. Then there are times when I feel almost too comfortable and like my world needs to be a little unsettled, so then I do something out of my comfort zone like getting extra silly and weird with my son, doing things to make him laugh, in turn making myself laugh. Or I'll do an extra work out or go for a jog or pick up a hitch hiker. That's why I say, it takes balance to deal with anxiety because part of what keeps me in a state of anxiousness is an imbalance that desperately needs my attention.
    I constantly ask myself, "what do I need?", and what, "would make me feel good right now?", so I can keep tabs on myself. I'm wondering, though, if social anxiety is the right term for this condition. This very well could be an identity crisis. The reason I say that is... When you identify very strongly with something outside yourself, you may lose your individual identity completely!
    For me, its my family. I feel like I'm failing them if I'm not living for them. I feel like I'm doing something wrong or forgetting something if I do things without my family and without my family being the motivating factor. How weird is that? So, what is it that you identify most with? Your family, your friends, your belongings, your position, your pets? You may be shocked to find out what you are living for and that you are not in fact living for YOU.
    Growing up I always felt wrong and out of place and guilty... Growing up I had to leave my unique identity behind for the sake of survival of the fittest and my vulnerable heart would have crumbled and DID crumble many times by the weight of my family. So I became hard and cold inside, anger and frustration took the driver seat of my life (if you have seen "Inside Out" the pixar animated movie, you know the crazy things that can happen when Anger is in the driver seat!).
    Now, as I grow in to new levels of love and joy, the old layers of guilt, shame, and blame are shedding off like skins of an onion. Yep, I very well may be an ogre ;) LOVE Shrek! Alright, that's enough movie references for tonight...
    Good night...